I am angry. No, I am furious.
The problem is, I couldn’t figure out why. Oh, there are plenty of things to piss me off. I could list them for you, but I don’t think it would do me any good, and if you’re paying attention, you can figure out what some of them are anyway. But these are things that are simply part of being alive around other people. They’re not … fury-making. Well, maybe one of them is, but that still shouldn’t be enough to top me off like this.
I want… things to be a certain way. I want people to stop shoving their morals down everyone else’s throats. I want people to start acting with the dignity and grace that must be in there somewhere. (It must be in there somewhere, right?) I want to see more kindness, more compassion, more thoughtfulness for others, for people who are different that you. I want to absorb more beauty of the human spirit.
And all that I feel like I’ve been seeing lately is pettiness, name-calling, and greed– and not just greed for money, although I’m seeing plenty of that, too. Greed for fame, greed for attention, greed for being Right. It makes me tired to see all of this, so tired that I come home from work emotionally exhausted, and all I can do is look at the Internet and get even more angry and more tired.
I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t like not seeing the beauty this world has to offer. I don’t like seeing people I care for, in one way or another, acting like self-centered egotists who cannot see past the ends of their own noses. So then I just want to sleep. This is not Depression, which also lulls me to sleep in order to get away from it all. I’m too angry to be Depressed. At first I thought it was just hormones, but that time has passed, and it’s still happening. It’s been well over a week.
And then I realized what it is. It’s been bloody hot in LA.– hot, and for the first time in my recollection, obscenely humid. That by itself is uncomfortable, but lately I’ve been having temperature-regulation issues, to the point where I’ve already gotten heatstroke at least twice this summer. (By the way, here is is late September, and we had 105F weather today, where I live. And it’s humid.) It has been so hot, that I am afraid to go outside, afraid to move around too much, because I don’t want to get sick AGAIN.
I have not been exercising, because it is so hot. And before you say to just use the air conditioner, I have been.This crazy-ass heat is affecting me anyway.
I suspect that once it cools down for real– we had a brief respite a week ago– that I will be able to get back to my normal, beauty-loving , silver-lining-spotting self. In the meantime, just know that I still love you even if I pop off, it doesn’t take much to piss me off, and if you really need to spout some greedy-ass horseshit, just keep it away from me.